November 30, 2010 by Suebdoo.

What is “dialogue” anyway? Dictionary.com defines it as “a conversation, an exchange of ideas or opinions on a particular issue, with a view to reaching an amicable agreement or settlement.” Wow, we certainly need more of that!

To have a conversation requires two people agreeing to give one another their attention and the gift of silence. Our society to so loud today - the music, the traffic, the rhetoric - finding a space where we can be heard and speak without interruption is more unique than we might like to admit. I’ve said before, that I feel a good deal of the angst in the political situation we’ve experienced over the past year is borne of a feeling of voices going unheard. “If they won’t hear me, I’ll shout louder!” was evident in the embarrassing displays in community and town hall meetings throughout the country. Unfortunately, those encounters did not even fall into the “debate” category, but looked more like school yard brawls. Opening avenues for people to be and know they are heard, is a big step forward in building constructive conversations.

The exchange of ideas is critical to finding solutions. Not only are “two heads better than one,” but the outcomes of putting those heads together are almost always better than one person’s input alone. Even if you have the best answer, allowing others the opportunity to give feedback, ask questions, or just be a part of the conversation elicits “buy in.” If your ultimate goal is success, bringing others into the dialogue is essential to avoiding or disarming blockades.

And finally having a view to reaching an amicable agreement sets the intention of the result. Without an attitude open to a mutually beneficial settlement, you’re just going in for a fight - someone wins, someone loses. In that case, the success of the issue is no longer the focus, just the power we garner at the end. There are many roads to most destinations, but you can choose the smooth or treacherous route. It is up to you.

Here’s an example of successful dialogue. Balcones Canyonland Public Access Plan: In 2000, the Austin Water Utility organized a Stakeholder Steering Committee to participate in a consensus based collaborative planning process to develop public access plans for the then newly created Water Quality Protection Lands (WQPL) program. If you’re not aware, developing a piece of land (especially public land) in Austin Texas is difficult, contemptuous, and many-sided. Long-story- short, a parcel of land was owned by the City and, instead of making a unilateral determination for it’s usage (and likely meeting opposition on all sides), they invited as many stakeholder groups as possible to dialogue. Restrictions on the land set by law where in play, one of which was that the area could not be used for soccer fields (there you have it). The Water Utility still invited the local soccer league leadership to the table. Risky move and not without conflict. After many meetings, a plan was devised - without soccer fields. All stakeholders were asked asked for their consensus and understandably the soccer league was not ready to comply. Thinking outside the box, asking what they really wanted, the Water Utility offered them the option on a completely different piece of land that the City was not going to develop. When the development plan went to City Council for approval, there was no opposition. In fact, community members had contacted their council persons with support and praise for the outcome. The proven process continues to be used by the Austin Water Utility.

Real dialogue brings real results. When people can hear, there is a chance to be heard.

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November 22, 2010 by Suebdoo.

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

Mom always said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”

She didn’t mean that we couldn’t disagree, discipline or even tell the truth - but there is a way to communicate that isn’t derogatory, hurtful or intentionally inflammatory. The sarcasm or brutal honesty characterized by The Simpsons or American Idol, is not appropriate behavior for “real” life. They are after wild ratings, we need to be about workable relationships. What’s wrong with being “nice” anyway? At the end of my career or my life, I would prefer to be remembered as an amiable person rather than the Queen of Mean.

In public service, this adage is particularly applicable. An Assistant City Manager or Department Director cannot be free from public criticism - sometimes harsh and emotional. I got a lot of practice with this concept while working in those offices and drafting their responses to complaint letters. Every correspondence began with “thank you,” which set the tone for everything that followed. I learned very quickly how my attitude could be adjusted simply by reframing my mindset before putting pen to paper.

OK, it’s not as hard to manage our communication when we have the luxury of time to think and respond in writing. Thinking before we speak really is the key and the only way to be prepared to respond in a civil way - in the heat of a moment - is by practice. Just as an athlete trains his/her body to respond with perfect technique automatically in any situation, we too need to develop similar muscle memory over our mouths. Start a day with the intention to think before you respond and then, to let the first thing you say be constructive, not destructive. Intentional living is the foundation for the House of Niceness.

Likewise, at the end of the day, evaluate your performance and resolve to make adjustments tomorrow. We don’t hit a home run every time, but a great hitter keeps trying. In college, I was the statistician for our baseball team. I was astounded at how clearly and exactly each player could recall their every at-bat, location of a hit, circumstance of an error, what they were thinking and how they felt at any given moment of the entire game - for weeks to follow. Memory is a consequence of attention. As they were intent on correcting any misstep and building on each successful movement, so should we have the intention to do the same in our communication.

Be careful, too, not to fall into the “but” preposition / proposition. Have you ever said something positive to or about someone, only to follow the statement with a “but [what you really think]?” You might as well not have made the complementary phrase at all - it only served to make you feel better about yourself. Just kick the “but” out of your vocabulary whenever possible. What does it really mean anyway?

Don’t get me wrong, I know it is not always easy to say something nice, whether in response to a criticism or a difficult personality, but good relationships are not easy. There are definitely times when the “don’t say anything at all” part is necessary - bite your tongue, walk away. You always have the opportunity to come back and have a more thoughtful discussion later. You can never take back thoughtless words that you are very likely to regret later.

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November 17, 2010 by Suebdoo.

I’m so glad that I was exposed to people with differing abilities and physical or intellectual challenges, as a very young teen. Volunteering with the United Cerebral Palsy Association, Special Olympics and later, leading recreation programs in my home town school for children with developmental disabilities, allowed me to learn how to relate to people that are different from myself in a very personal way. I saw that it was OK to be inspired, humbled, delighted, tickled to roaring laughter, irritated, confused, and challenged by those interactions - just like every other relationship. Now, I look forward to the opportunity to meet and talk with someone with an obvious “disability” - they are generally the most interesting person in the room.

Unfortunately, I see so many people who are visibly uncomfortable when someone in a wheelchair rolls onto the scene or walks up with a white cane. I know it’s just a fear of not knowing what to do, how to greet them, how not to offend. It’s easier to walk away, ignore them and the situation, than to struggle through an awkward encounter.

However, the reality is that we’re going to find that harder and harder to do. With the Baby Boomers living longer, staying in the workforce, and frankly growing into the many disabilities that come with aging, we had better learn how to engage better. Additionally, thousands of soldiers with physical AND emotional issues are returning to our communities, workplaces and homes, requiring us to ramp up our communication skills and collaborative instincts as professionals, team members, partners and people.

Remember that for every “disability” people have numerous abilities. Remember that we all have some disability or handicap - many of our own making, most not so obvious - that we deal with everyday already. Realize that we have more in common than you think.

Kudos to the San Antonio Texas Disability Access Department for publishing The Disability Etiquette Handbook. It’s a simple, easy to read, straight forward electronic document to give you some guidance on how to meet, greet, and interact with people in various situations with respect and confidence; sort of a Disability “Miss Manners.”

A few years ago I had the pleasure of meeting Gary Guller, the only man with one arm to summit Mt. Everest. His story is astounding and I hope you’ll learn more about him, but he is a person that encourages me. If he can endure the struggle to reach the highest point in the world with one hand, surely I walk across a room and extend my hand to someone different than me - and it may turn out to be as exhilarating.

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November 12, 2010 by Suebdoo.

Now that we’ve had the opportunity to exercise our “civic duty” and vote, can we start trying to make our civics more civil?

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

“Two wrongs don’t make a right”

Revenge is a popular theme in literature from as early as Homer’s The Odyssey and The Iliad to Shakespeare’s Hamlet to today’s Harry Potter novels. Unfortunately, this ancient motivation spills, gushingly, out of the pages of fiction into our everyday reality. What makes for a good storyline, does not make for a good life. Revenge never ends well.

Martin Luther King, Jr. said it best, ‘an eye for an eye’ leaves everybody blind. The time is always right to do the right thing. Plotting to “get even” eats away at emotional health, wastes time and energy. Inflicting some kind of pain (physical or otherwise) on someone else always hurts the avenger in the long term. “Getting back” never tastes as sweet as anticipated and the aftertaste is generally bitter and disappointing, because nothing is really returned.

“I don’t do revenge!” you say? OK, maybe not in such a blatant way as a Hollywood blockbuster, but haven’t you fought fire with fire? Someone shouts - you shout back, a coworker takes undue credit on a team project, so you don’t include him/her in the next one (even if you need their expertise)? It seems so much easier to play covert cat and mouse than to have a face-to-face conversation about the hurtful behavior. What’s the big deal? Is it the love of the game that keeps us on the “I can hurt you more” merry-go-round or is it the fear of what happens when we get off and step into unfamiliar territory?

Let’s look at it as an adventure. The unexpected has its advantages and living well really is the best revenge. Not playing along makes it hard for others to perpetuate the game alone. Acting in an unexpected way will make the others wonder what you’re up too - and, just maybe, see the open door they need to try something new themselves.

What did your mom say that could make it a better world today?

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November 10, 2010 by Suebdoo.

Now that we’ve had the opportunity to exercise our “civic duty” and vote, can we start trying to make our civics more civil?

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

“Pretty is as pretty does”

Surely, Forrest Gump’s mother was not the only one to use this phrase. Mine did - frequently. It was her wise advice to be authentic - an important, if not critical, trait for successful collaboration, leadership, life. In our world today, so much of society is consumed with having super model good looks, ageless bodies, expensive cars, Armani suits, big houses in the “right” neighborhoods - you know the list - and with some twinge of shame I have to say that I, too, have found myself at times caught up in it all. It’s hard not to be when the media constantly floods every corner of our existence with images of - some world I hardly recognize.

We have become so adept at building facades around us in order to “fit in” to that bizarre image, that many no longer recognize themselves in the mirror or know who they are anymore. Having been an actor all my life, creating alternate existences, wearing another person’s skin for a while, does teach one to look for what is underneath the surface - what makes them tick. “Motivation” is an important concept in the theatrical world, and frankly, no less in the workplace, team, or community. All our behaviors stem from some incentive or fear, but those motivations can often be so deeply held, disguised or convoluted that we don’t understand them ourselves. How can we expect others to figure us out? All we can really go by when working (or playing) together, is what we see. “Intent” is not observable, so perception is in fact - reality. “Pretty is as pretty does” - how we act toward each other generally defines us in another’s eyes, and it’s often not so pretty. Ergo - incivility perpetuates itself in spite of ourselves and our best intentions.

There is a well known adage that I think would help us be more authentic in our relationships. “The Golden Rule” which appears in some form in basically all major world religions, as well as, in secular philosophies - treat others the way you want to be treated. If we would stop and think about the mirror effect our behavior may generate, perhaps we would curb the name calling, shouting, and physical retribution that shoots out uncontrolled. Some can practice this IF others are not behaving badly first. We are, unfortunately, as likely to meet bad behavior with an even worse retaliation, which only escalates from there. At some point, someone has to recognize the giant snow boulder barreling toward them, be the grown up, and break the cycle.

When incivility is all around you, ringing in your ears and raising your blood pressure…Stop, breath, and hear the voice of mom saying “pretty is as pretty does”… and make her proud.

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November 8, 2010 by Suebdoo.

Now that we’ve had the opportunity to exercise our “civic duty” and vote, can we start trying to make our civics more civil?

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

What’s the magic word? “Always say please and thank you”

If you recall, Mom spent alot of time on these words. They were probably among the first in your vocabulary. Teaching us to be polite was not just an exercise in language, but a lesson in living. Saying “please” as we make our requests, acknowledges that we are not entitled to anything. As human beings we are equals - no more, no less. In a simple, little, one-syllable word, we level the field, lower defenses, and raise the hope of kindness reciprocated. It is a sign of mutual respect which very quickly established our character above our appearance.

Likewise, “thank you” is more than a courtesy, it is recognition of the value in others. We acknowledge that someone has gifted us with their respect, service, or possessions. In this transaction, you have the opportunity to show your gratitude. By not conveying thanks, we disrespect the gift and the giver. We diminish the worth of others and, in return, their respect for us.

For organizations, teams, or families, to function optimally, respecting the value of each member is necessary. The closer we become or the longer we work together, the less we use these little words and the more we say, “he/she knows that I value them” - but do they really? How many marriages are ended because one or both of the spouses feel “taken for granted?” How much could simply saying please and thank you everyday change their feelings, raise their self-worth, and improve any relationships.

We can’t be too busy or too familiar to express gratitude, either in our request or our response, for both words do the same.

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November 6, 2010 by Suebdoo.

Now that we’ve had the opportunity to exercise our “civic duty” and vote, can we start trying to make our civics more civil?

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

Did you hear this? Rule #3 - “Keep making that ugly face and it will freeze that way”

Whether it is a snide look, an inappropriate gesture, an unkind behavior, or a disrespectful way of communicating - the more we do it, the more it becomes part of us, a habit frozen in time that takes a blow-torch to thaw. We do these things again and again because it makes us feel powerful or we get approval through others’ laughter or acquiescence. In a very short time, these become unconscious, reflex responses that add to the incivility permeating our families, workplaces and world - and we don’t even notice what we’re doing.

Kindness takes conscious thought, responding in a civil way takes practice, and breaking lifetime habits of incivility is hard. Sometimes it takes someone else “calling us on the carpet” to bring it to our attention and let us know it is not OK. On my first full time job out of college, I had been made supervisor of a group of young, part-time, summer workers (of which I used to be one). While in a group meeting with our Director, he made some statement with which I disagreed, and evidently I rolled my eyes or made some such disdainful expression that came too naturally - to which, the Director called me out in front of my subordinates for “that look.” Today, I don’t have the slightest remembrance of the comment made or even the context of the meeting, but I still can feel the burn of my embarrassment and fear in that moment more than 25 years ago. When called into a private meeting with the Director the next day, I was pretty sure the consequences of my actions where likely to be severe (”no cause” termination was utilized quite often in this business). All I could do was apologize - and I did. No excuses, no explanations, just acknowledgment that although he may not always be right, he was always the boss. This is the only time that I can remember an employer telling me, “your mother raised you right.” The apology was accepted and my work there continued for several more years, with great control over my face.

Hopefully, we can correct ourselves before having made a firing offense or hurt a relationship irreparably. I’m reminded of the Meg Ryan character in You’ve Got Mail whose little neighborhood bookstore has been put out of business by the big Fox Books competitor. Whenever she interacts with “Joe Fox”(Tom Hanks) she finds herself using hateful, hurtful words that are completely contrary to her usually kind and compassionate character. While some would say she had “just cause,” she realizes that this behavior is only hurting herself - changing her in a way that is ugly and leading her to become a person she didn’t want to be. She stops herself and changes direction. She didn’t need anyone to bring it to her attention. The rest of the movie is just Hollywood magic, but the positive results that come from loosing “the attitude” is no fairytale.

Try it - it works. Living a positive existence, instead of falling prey to our own habitually wrong responses, will not only improve your life, but the lives of everyone with whom you interact as well. Let civility start with you.

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November 5, 2010 by Suebdoo.

Now that we’ve had the opportunity to exercise our “civic duty” and vote, can we start trying to make our civics more civil?

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

I think we would behavior differently if we still lived under the threat of mom washing our mouths out with soap for bad words, or being grounded for misbehavior and having our toys taken away (out with the iphones, Blackberrys and computers). Just maybe, we would think twice before taking the low road if we thought mom was watching. I propose we start heeding mom’s instruction even now, to bring some civility back into our civilization.

Here’s Rule 2: “Go out and play”

Mom wouldn’t let us stay inside all the time, even if we were behaving. She knew that we needed to get outside our little rooms and interact with others. We could learn about the world by ourselves, but we could only learn how to live in the world by being out in it. We learn and develop by exploring and practicing the skills we need to navigate the playgrounds, office parks, board rooms, and the unexpected.

But today, we retreat back into our little boxes, or cubicles, or apartments sitting in front of a TV or computer - isolated, self absorbed and unleashed in a virtual world. Anonymity or an avatar existence, opens the door to a seemingly secret world of bad behavior, supported by other people hiding in their own little existences, equally behaving badly.

Even within an office environment, we’re sending emails or texts instead of reaching out and touching. Several years ago while working in a government department, a supervisor of an office that worked closely with my own, would reel off emails when she disagreed with me that were long and biting, and as is often the case - copying every manager up to and including the Director. I would answer briefly, politely, and would close by saying “let’s talk,” to which I would receive another verbose and stinging response. Within a short time, her manager stepped in with a new rule - she was no longer allowed to email me. She would have to get up and walk into my office to discuss issues face-to-face. I know that manager was a mom. She was telling her employee to “go out and play;” don’t hide behind the trees, the wall, or the computer, because its not so easy to be unfriendly to someone’s face. Our working relationship became much better starting that very day.

So come on, let’s all go out and play!

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November 4, 2010 by Suebdoo.

Now that we’ve had the opportunity to exercise our “civic duty” and vote, can we start trying to make our civics more civil?

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

I think we would behavior differently if we still lived under the threat of mom washing our mouths out with soap for bad words, or being grounded for misbehavior and having our toys taken away (out with the iphones, Blackberrys and computers). Just maybe, we would think twice before taking the low road if we thought mom was watching. I propose we start heeding mom’s instruction even now, to bring some civility back into our civilization.

Let’s start with this one: “Play nice”

Play is our first foray into collaboration. It was creative and fun, and there was always room for others to join in. Our only caveat was to be kind to our playmates: share, don’t be grabby, don’t hit, and don’t make them cry. Temper tantrums were not allowed. The consequence for not playing nice was a “Time out;” separation from everyone else where you couldn’t be seen or heard…ignored. Funny how that worked so well back then, yet we do just the opposite today. The more naughty we are, the more media coverage, air time, press attention, or internet hits we get.

I vote for a world-wide TIME OUT for bad behavior where we stop rewarding incivility. Don’t watch it, don’t buy it, don’t “click” and pass it on to your network.

Let’s start with just playing nice and ignoring those who don’t - and see how much better the play ground becomes.

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