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Mom’s Rules Save the World: Rule 6

Now that we’ve had the opportunity to exercise our “civic duty” and vote, can we start trying to make our civics more civil?

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

“Two wrongs don’t make a right”

Revenge hurtsRevenge is a popular theme in literature from as early as Homer’s The Odyssey and The Iliad to Shakespeare’s Hamlet to today’s Harry Potter novels. Unfortunately, this ancient motivation spills, gushingly, out of the pages of fiction into our everyday reality. What makes for a good storyline, does not make for a good life. Revenge never ends well.

Martin Luther King, Jr. said it best, ‘an eye for an eye’ leaves everybody blind. The time is always right to do the right thing. Plotting to “get even” eats away at emotional health, wastes time and energy. Inflicting some kind of pain (physical or otherwise) on someone else always hurts the avenger in the long term. “Getting back” never tastes as sweet as anticipated and the aftertaste is generally bitter and disappointing, because nothing is really returned.

“I don’t do revenge!” you say? OK, maybe not in such a blatant way as a Hollywood blockbuster, but haven’t you fought fire with fire? Someone shouts - you shout back, a coworker takes undue credit on a team project, so you don’t include him/her in the next one (even if you need their expertise)? It seems so much easier to play covert cat and mouse than to have a face-to-face conversation about the hurtful behavior. What’s the big deal? Is it the love of the game that keeps us on the “I can hurt you more” merry-go-round or is it the fear of what happens when we get off and step into unfamiliar territory?

Let’s look at it as an adventure. The unexpected has its advantages and living well really is the best revenge. Not playing along makes it hard for others to perpetuate the game alone. Acting in an unexpected way will make the others wonder what you’re up too - and, just maybe, see the open door they need to try something new themselves.

What did your mom say that could make it a better world today?

This entry was posted on November 12, 2010 at 1:30 am and is filed under Articles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

2 Responses to “Mom’s Rules Save the World: Rule 6”

  1. Jodi says:
    November 21, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    It always helps to remember Mom’s lessons even if it’s years later.

  2. Jodi says:
    November 21, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    This is a hard one. However, I’ve learned a valuable lesson although it was very late. Many years ago my brother-in-law came to live with us in GA because there was no work where he lived in IL. He and my husband worked together every day which brought them closer together. He wanted to bring his wife to GA & she’d help with everything around the house. I really didn’t think it was a good idea, but agreed. She had a reputation of being very self-centered & bought into it. I wasn’t going to be the one doing everything at home when I worked all day & she didn’t. Over the next several weeks, all the little things added up to 1 big explosion and I wanted her out.

    They rented a house of their own & we’d visit at times. Then they were able to buy a home. I don’t remember now what it was but I stopped visiting them, my husband would go alone to visit with his brother. It seemed that everyone who knew my brother-in-law would ask how he ended up with someone so self centered and I think I felt safe in my opinion of her.

    A few years went by and they purchased some land and had their mobile home moved there. They didn’t have but a couple friends, they stayed pretty much to themselves. Then he & my husband had something happen between them & they quit working together.

    My brother-in-law and his wife spent the next 8 years trying to decide on a house plan. As it turned out, the last thing they couldn’t agree on was the kitchen. They both had become pretty good cooks but neither one wanted the other one in the kitchen when they were cooking. They finally agreed on a house plan & went to a builder about getting it done.

    She & I had started occasionally sending e-mails when our mother-in-law began having heart problems. Then we e-mailed about our pets & what to do when they got sick. I was beginning to think that we might be able to bridge the canyon that had developed between our 2 families if we could only get the brothers talking again. Neither one was going to be the one to say “sorry”.

    It didn’t happen though. One evening my husband received a phone call from another brother who lived in IL. We were told that our sister-in-law that lived not 25 miles from us, had a massive stroke early that morning & had died. Because of the issues between the brothers, he felt he couldn’t call us for help.

    I feel though that it started with me. Instead of being mad because the meat that I left out for supper was still in the fridge, I could have talked with her about what to do with it. Instead of being mad because she didn’t “see what needed to be done” around the house, I could have asked her to do certain things. And it went on and on.

    The brothers are back to a great relationship again, but it should not have taken the death of his wife to do it. Who knows what those lost 15 years could have been like.

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