Is There Room for Grace?

May 30, 2011 by Suebdoo.

The word “grace” is not used much outside of religious circles these days, but I have been thinking that this simple to say, but difficult to live concept, is very much needed in the business workplace today. The many textbook definitions of the word all are applicable: elegant, a charming quality, consideration of others, to regard with kindness.  I will, however, add the word “unmerited” to the meaning, borrowing from a sacred context, because therein lies the rub to graceful living.  It is easy to extend grace to those who we deem as deserving, but much harder given to those who are our toughest customers or most annoying coworkers.

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not talking about ignoring blatant harassment, criminal activity, or even intentional acts of unkindness.  I’m concerned with the million little misunderstandings and hurt feelings that happen everyday, in every workplace, between colleagues and customers that make your job more difficult than it has to be. That make for an uncomfortable environment.  That, unconscious or not, drive you crazy. That often, ultimately, make people want to leave the job, quit a team, or just disengage from important workplace relationships.

So, what’s to be done? Either they can change or you can change to resolve the issue - only the latter is within your control. You can only change you - you can’t change them. While there are a plethora of courses and tools designed to affect a work team’s communication and behavior, to manage conflict or colleagues, the least expensive and perhaps the most effective coping/ correcting technique may just be adopting an attitude of grace.  As I recently discussed this concept with a colleague, he wisely called grace “listening with generosity” and I would add responding with generosity as well.

I find that the key to grace starts by realizing that every person is a culmination of a lifetime of experience - that is unlike mine. This takes me out of the center of the universe for just a moment, long enough to open the door to the thought that it really might be me - not them - that is causing the issue. The work of Chris Argyris called “The Ladder of Inference” begins to explain how easy it is for us to quickly give meaning to situations (based on our own experience) and draw conclusions that are incorrect.  We run up a ladder only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

Finally, I think grace means that, even if I am not the cause, I still choose to accept responsibility for making it better for both of us.  Herein may lay that which separates the intangible quality of grace from other coping mechanisms. It is giving consideration without the expectation of anything in return.  If it works - great - if not, there is nothing lost.

The surprising outcome that I have found is that the relationship often does improve - not necessarily because anything is different about my coworker or customer - but because it just doesn’t bother me anymore.  Knowing I have done my best, and accepting the other person for who they are, means there is room for misunderstandings that don’t have to ruin a relationship.

It is a frequent misconception that grace means “turning the other cheek,” but it does not.  To turn away alone, still allows us to stew over the offense as we walk away.  Grace is forgetting the offense altogether.

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