November 6, 2010 by Suebdoo.

Now that we’ve had the opportunity to exercise our “civic duty” and vote, can we start trying to make our civics more civil?

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

Did you hear this? Rule #3 - “Keep making that ugly face and it will freeze that way”

Whether it is a snide look, an inappropriate gesture, an unkind behavior, or a disrespectful way of communicating - the more we do it, the more it becomes part of us, a habit frozen in time that takes a blow-torch to thaw. We do these things again and again because it makes us feel powerful or we get approval through others’ laughter or acquiescence. In a very short time, these become unconscious, reflex responses that add to the incivility permeating our families, workplaces and world - and we don’t even notice what we’re doing.

Kindness takes conscious thought, responding in a civil way takes practice, and breaking lifetime habits of incivility is hard. Sometimes it takes someone else “calling us on the carpet” to bring it to our attention and let us know it is not OK. On my first full time job out of college, I had been made supervisor of a group of young, part-time, summer workers (of which I used to be one). While in a group meeting with our Director, he made some statement with which I disagreed, and evidently I rolled my eyes or made some such disdainful expression that came too naturally - to which, the Director called me out in front of my subordinates for “that look.” Today, I don’t have the slightest remembrance of the comment made or even the context of the meeting, but I still can feel the burn of my embarrassment and fear in that moment more than 25 years ago. When called into a private meeting with the Director the next day, I was pretty sure the consequences of my actions where likely to be severe (”no cause” termination was utilized quite often in this business). All I could do was apologize - and I did. No excuses, no explanations, just acknowledgment that although he may not always be right, he was always the boss. This is the only time that I can remember an employer telling me, “your mother raised you right.” The apology was accepted and my work there continued for several more years, with great control over my face.

Hopefully, we can correct ourselves before having made a firing offense or hurt a relationship irreparably. I’m reminded of the Meg Ryan character in You’ve Got Mail whose little neighborhood bookstore has been put out of business by the big Fox Books competitor. Whenever she interacts with “Joe Fox”(Tom Hanks) she finds herself using hateful, hurtful words that are completely contrary to her usually kind and compassionate character. While some would say she had “just cause,” she realizes that this behavior is only hurting herself - changing her in a way that is ugly and leading her to become a person she didn’t want to be. She stops herself and changes direction. She didn’t need anyone to bring it to her attention. The rest of the movie is just Hollywood magic, but the positive results that come from loosing “the attitude” is no fairytale.

Try it - it works. Living a positive existence, instead of falling prey to our own habitually wrong responses, will not only improve your life, but the lives of everyone with whom you interact as well. Let civility start with you.

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November 5, 2010 by Suebdoo.

Now that we’ve had the opportunity to exercise our “civic duty” and vote, can we start trying to make our civics more civil?

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

I think we would behavior differently if we still lived under the threat of mom washing our mouths out with soap for bad words, or being grounded for misbehavior and having our toys taken away (out with the iphones, Blackberrys and computers). Just maybe, we would think twice before taking the low road if we thought mom was watching. I propose we start heeding mom’s instruction even now, to bring some civility back into our civilization.

Here’s Rule 2: “Go out and play”

Mom wouldn’t let us stay inside all the time, even if we were behaving. She knew that we needed to get outside our little rooms and interact with others. We could learn about the world by ourselves, but we could only learn how to live in the world by being out in it. We learn and develop by exploring and practicing the skills we need to navigate the playgrounds, office parks, board rooms, and the unexpected.

But today, we retreat back into our little boxes, or cubicles, or apartments sitting in front of a TV or computer - isolated, self absorbed and unleashed in a virtual world. Anonymity or an avatar existence, opens the door to a seemingly secret world of bad behavior, supported by other people hiding in their own little existences, equally behaving badly.

Even within an office environment, we’re sending emails or texts instead of reaching out and touching. Several years ago while working in a government department, a supervisor of an office that worked closely with my own, would reel off emails when she disagreed with me that were long and biting, and as is often the case - copying every manager up to and including the Director. I would answer briefly, politely, and would close by saying “let’s talk,” to which I would receive another verbose and stinging response. Within a short time, her manager stepped in with a new rule - she was no longer allowed to email me. She would have to get up and walk into my office to discuss issues face-to-face. I know that manager was a mom. She was telling her employee to “go out and play;” don’t hide behind the trees, the wall, or the computer, because its not so easy to be unfriendly to someone’s face. Our working relationship became much better starting that very day.

So come on, let’s all go out and play!

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November 4, 2010 by Suebdoo.

Now that we’ve had the opportunity to exercise our “civic duty” and vote, can we start trying to make our civics more civil?

How have we come so far into a universe where rude behavior, hurtful language, and hateful attitudes are acceptable - not just among the young, crazy, fringe element - but even mainstream, “conservative” grandmothers and businessmen? It’s not confined to any political party, age group, geographic area, or gender - ugliness is now equal opportunity. Is anyone as embarrassed for our society as I am?

I think we would behavior differently if we still lived under the threat of mom washing our mouths out with soap for bad words, or being grounded for misbehavior and having our toys taken away (out with the iphones, Blackberrys and computers). Just maybe, we would think twice before taking the low road if we thought mom was watching. I propose we start heeding mom’s instruction even now, to bring some civility back into our civilization.

Let’s start with this one: “Play nice”

Play is our first foray into collaboration. It was creative and fun, and there was always room for others to join in. Our only caveat was to be kind to our playmates: share, don’t be grabby, don’t hit, and don’t make them cry. Temper tantrums were not allowed. The consequence for not playing nice was a “Time out;” separation from everyone else where you couldn’t be seen or heard…ignored. Funny how that worked so well back then, yet we do just the opposite today. The more naughty we are, the more media coverage, air time, press attention, or internet hits we get.

I vote for a world-wide TIME OUT for bad behavior where we stop rewarding incivility. Don’t watch it, don’t buy it, don’t “click” and pass it on to your network.

Let’s start with just playing nice and ignoring those who don’t - and see how much better the play ground becomes.

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